The Worst Movie Ever

July 17, 2008

I have seen some pretty bad movies, and I’ve seen what the web thinks are the worst. But of what I’ve seen, the last two absolutely horrible movies standing are Plan 9 From Outer Space and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. When I saw Plan 9, it struck me as so bad, it was funny to watch it. The best part about a movie like that was the budget it was on. It seemed like Ed Wood was broke after his last stink up that went straight to dvd (erm…VCR or whatever they had in the 50’s). The best parts include the really cheesy walking dead man who looked like he ate too much, the plastic foam graveyard, but what stands out in my mind was the UFO’s they used. First of all, my friend could do a better job constructing a model like that for a science project blindfolded. But what really stood out in that scene was the faint and poorly removed Pontiac logo on the space ship, suddenly made me realize that Ed Wood, (being the genius he is) used his car’s hub cap! I replayed it over and over again, each time falling off the couch and onto my dog who eventually got up and slept somewhere else. What will always give me a lasting impression though, is the total effort put in the movie. The cast was trying so hard…but they fell just a bit too short. Just a bit. 

Now moving on to the other title contender, 2007’s Fantastic Four, Rise of the Silver Surfer. This movie somehow made 150 million on the box office while managing to get really bad reviews. Now what keeps amazing me about this movie is the amount of money they spent on it. They may have actually spent a million times more money than Ed Wood did, and they still made it pitiful. This plotless, hopeless sequel to a plotless, hopeless original was amassed with an array of horrible actors topped off with Jessica Alba, who just plain can’t act for a can of beans and was about (what else) but them saving the world from an evil Galactia. Don’t they always! But the true sign of this bad movie was the pain and agony suffered by watching every single minute of it. It was almost similar to getting braces put on — a slow painful, torturous death that got worse until the end, when you just sit there after the credits when everyone else has left, staring at the now turned off screen mesmerized by just how painful that really was. The difference between this movie and Plan 9 was that it just was so full of itself, over-paid, and plotless that you had to hate it. 

When I compare the two, the overwhelming favorite for me is Plan 9 because you could watch it 10 times in a row and still get a kick out of it while with Fantastic Four you really want to leave the theater for some fresh air after its finished showing. So when it comes to the worst movie that has ever graced (or tripped over) the silver screen, congratulations Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer, you can officially consider yourself pitiful in all ways imagineable. Oh, and thanks Ed Wood, you really made me laugh.